How to Woo a Prussian
by nerdyfanchick
Summary: Matthew Williams-Jones, perpetually awkward and basically invisible, has a problem. He has a huge crush on one of his few friends, Julchen Beilschmidt, who is completely out of his league. Luckily-or unluckily, it's a mystery really-he receives the help of a certain Lovino Vargas, matchmaker extraordinaire. Can/Nyo!Pru and others
1. How to Acquire a Matchmaker

_Okay, so the genderbent characters are going to be Prussia, Italy, Germany, England, Russia, and China. The pairings will be prucan, obviously, spamano, gerita, either fruk or usuk (idk which yet), and some very slight, nearly irrelevant rochu._

_As a note, Prussia's name is Julchen, pronounced "Yule-hen", so her nickname, Jules, is pronounced "Yules" _

_Without further ado, I present _

**_Chapter 1: How to Acquire a Matchmaker_**

* * *

Matthew Williams-Jones had a problem.

He came to this realization during English, when one of his classmates snickered and told him that "If you keep staring at her like that, soccio, then you'll burn a hole through her pretty head." And Matthew realized, after getting over the initial embarrassment that comes with being caught staring, that Julchen Beilschmidt was extremely pretty, and that he really, _really_ liked her. And that was an issue because-

"Birdie! Stop daydreaming; the bell rang and I'm so hungry, it's crazy."

Because, even if they weren't best friends, Julchen was one of the few people who noticed him and didn't mistake him for his brother. And he ate lunch with her and a few of her friends everyday. _Merde._

**~0.0~**

Lunch had been going well. He had, like always, listened to her ramble, the current topic was how "West unawesomely took my fireworks, she said that I wasn't 'responsible', hmph! Can you believe that?" He had sat at the seat directly to Julchen's left, and had smiled politely at each of Julchen's other friends as they arrived, although none of them noticed, like always. Yes, everything had been going swimmingly, until Julchen decided to buy everyone drinks.

"Okay, so I need like five Cokes, a Sprite, an orange soda, and… Birdie? What do you want?"

And Matthew, who had once again been contemplating the matter of his crush, had mumbled, "A tall glass of _you_ would be nice…" and then, the second it had left his mouth, had realized what he said and turned bright pink.

"_W-was?_" Julchen's mouth dropped and her eyes widened and oh, god, Matthew had ruined _everything_.

"I-I said that water would be fine!" Matthew insisted, still flustered, "I just want water…"

"Oh, ha, I must need to clean out my ears or something…" Julchen schooled her face to her default, much practiced (and Matthew knew it was practiced, he had seen her practicing) "awesomely happy" expression. "Uh, yeah, I'll just go get those. Ha, ha…"

And as soon as she was gone, the _whispering_ started and Matthew, never one for conflict, always one to get over embarrassed, fled. "Oh, uh, tell Jules that I… that I'll be back, okay?"

Even though he wasn't sure that they had heard him, Matthew sped out of the cafeteria and into the men's bathroom.

"...Sono etero, sono etero, sono etero…" Where he found the infamous Lovino Vargas splashing water on his face and repeating a phrase to himself.

Lovino was known throughout school for his snark and foul language, his impeccable fashion sense (it was said that he imported all of his clothes from Italy, and that he refused to wear anything not designer), and his prowess at getting people together_—_despite the fact that he was single.

Matthew cleared his throat and shrunk back slightly when Lovino startled. "Ah, sorry, I'll just leave, I didn't mean to-"

"Shut the hell up, kid," Lovino snapped, his trademark scowl reforming, "Do you speak Italian?"

"Um, no."

"Good. Don't repeat any of the shit you heard me say. Ever. Or I will end you."

"Ah," Matthew started to awkwardly laugh, but tampered it off with a cough when Lovino's face continued to look serious. Those rumors that he had not-completely-legal connections couldn't be true, right? "Right. Sorry, I'll go…"

"Wait," Lovino's scowl took on a less irritated look, "People don't just run into fucking bathrooms because they're okay. What the hell is wrong, bastard?"

Choosing not to comment on how Lovino was hiding in the bathroom too, Matthew decided to answer at least semi-truthfully. "Um, well, there's this girl-"

"Of fucking course there is," Lovino snorted, "Look, kid-"

"Matthew."

Lovino looked surprised at being interrupted, but just raised a brow and continued, "Fine then, Matteo, I'm going to help you."

"Oh, no, you don't have to do that..."

"I know," Lovino began walking out and Matthew had no choice but to follow (well, he _did _technically have a choice, but the look that Lovino sent him made him fear for his life again, so it was an easy decision), "That's what makes me so fucking nice."

Before Matthew could protest anymore, they were already to the entrance of the cafeteria. "Now, which bella is it?"

"It's Ju-"

"Birdie!" Julchen crashed into Matthew's side, and Matthew was sure that he would've been tackled if she wasn't holding a ridiculous amount of water bottles. "I didn't know what kind of water you wanted, so I just got one of like almost everything. I can give the extras to West and Ali, and I can probably convince a bunch of other people to take them too."

Matthew took three bottles of water, not wanting to have to saddle Monika with too many, and smiled back. "Thanks, Jules, this is perfect."

With an answering "Awesome!", Julchen scrambled off to redistribute her extensive wares.

"Dio Mio, per favore, tell me it's not her."

Matthew turned to Lovino, who was groaning into his hands, "Why? What's wrong with Jules?" And if he was a bit defensive, then, well, he _did_ have a crush on her.

"Nothing wrong with her, per say," Lovino waved away Matthew's concern, "Well, aside from her being arrogant and a potato-"

"Potato? What-"

"-but it's more that she's friends with- never mind. She's fine. Whatever. I can do this." Lovino nodded, more to himself than to Matthew and walked into the sea of tables. Matthew stood there and watched, until Lovino turned back and growled, "Are you coming or not, bastard?"

Looking back, Matthew still couldn't decide whether or not it was a bad thing that he followed that day.

* * *

_Ha. Ha. Ha. *sobs because I have so many projects*_

_I have 3 of these chapters done, and I estimate 6 chapters total, so I'll post one a week, every Saturday~ It'll be rad_

_There's not any extensive translations, except for the "Sono etero" thing, but that has to do with a plot point so. Not going to translate that for you._

_Hope you liked it! Fav or follow or review or whatever~_


	2. How to Get Invited to a Party

_cries bc it's midnight. I didn't make my Saturday deadline. _

_Oh well, enjoy~_

_Fem!Italy is Alice, Aly-ch-ee_

_Fem!iggy is Guinevere, like king Arthur's wife thing, pronounced Gwen-a-veer_

_EDIT: Oh look, I'm actually awake now~_

**Chapter 2: How to Get Invited to a Party**

* * *

The next morning, in his first bell study hall, Matthew was surprised to see Lovino plop down at his table, with a huge coffee tumbler.

"Lovino? You're in this class?" Lovino nodded and knocked back some of his caffeinated beverage as Matthew continued, "I've never seen you before."

"It's fucking _first bell_ study hall. Almost everyone skips it," Lovino looked at him as though he was an alien.

Matthew glanced around the room and noticed that he was the only one in the room actually (trying to be) doing something productive. "Hm... I suppose so. Why are you here then?"

"Several reasons. The potato bitch's car is in the shop, so Ali needed a ride, I got a text from Lotte about something 'super duper important', the fucking tomato bastard called me ridiculously early, and I'm giving you an opportunity to get closer to the albino."

"Um... what?"

Lovino rolled his eyes and took another huge gulp of coffee, "Short version: Ali, Alice, is my sorellina - little sister - and the potato bitch is her girlfriend in everything but name, aka Monika Beilschmidt, your albino's little sister. Lotte, as in Lotte Peeters, Belgian girl, always wears a headband. She texted me and then gave me this," Lovino extracted an envelope and tossed it at Matthew, "Which is an invitation to attend a party to celebrate her anniversary with a guy that I set her up with. You're coming with me, because I know for a fact that Julchen and her duo of idiots are going to be there, and, as the Spice Girls said, 'you gotta get with her friends'. Got all that?"

"Uh, I think so?" Matthew flipped the envelope in his hands and noticed that it was still sealed. "Oh, but how do you know all that if the envelope is still closed? And didn't you say something about a 'tomato bastard'? You didn't explain him."

"I have my sources, Matteo. I'm not the most successful matchmaker in town for nothing, damn it." Lovino's ears flushed a bit as he considered the second question. "A-and as for the tomato bastard, he doesn't fucking matter. He's an irrelevant idiot. Don't ask about him again."

_~0.0~_

Later, at about 5, Lovino came to pick up Matthew. Matthew's first indicator was Lovino honking loudly several times, and then it was confirmed by Alfred yelling "Oh my god, that's a _Maserati convertible_," and running out of the house to coo at the sport car.

When Matthew exited the house, hoping on one foot as he finished tying his shoe, Lovino had gotten out of his car and was trying to shoo Alfred away. _Good luck with that,_ Matthew thought, _Alfred's love for sports cars is only bested by his love for food._

The two paused in their argument to stare at Matthew, and he felt himself flushing under the attention. "Ah, is there something wrong?"

"Are you seriously wearing that?" Lovino asked. Matthew looked down at his clothing. He was just wearing a graphic tee and jeans, was that wrong?

"Yes? You said it was casual, right?"

"Ugh, I forgot that that's American for casual," Matthew took this pause to examine Lovino's clothing; A blank white shirt, dark washed jeans, and a yellow decorative scarf. Matthew suddenly felt underdressed. "Whatever, it'll work. Come on."

Matthew hopped into the car, briefly waving to the two girls in the back seats, Must be Alice and Monika.

"Hey, 'Vino, wait!" Alfred yelled as they began to pull away.

"What do you want?" Lovino groaned.

Alfred messed with the hem of his shirt and blushed a bit, behavior so weird for his brother, that Matthew wondered if someone had replaced Alfred with a robot in the last minute. "Er, I just wanted to know if you had thought about… the thing that I asked you about… you know?"

"Yeah yeah, of course I know," Lovino sighed, "Look, Alfredo, I would love to help you and the wino and every fucking other idiot who comes up and asks me to help them get her, but she said that if I wanted her help - and Dio knows that I need it, even if I don't want it - then I'm not allowed to match her. Mi dispiace, but my hands are fucking tied."

"Yeah, no, it's fine. No problem, 'Vino, I understand." Alfred waved and Lovino drove off, leaving Matthew to be confused.

"Ah, who is this girl? I kind of… thought Alfred was gay."

Lovino winced slightly, but answered, "That'd sure make things easier; our school has a fucking abundance of gay."

The girl that Matthew thought was Alice giggled, "E si sa, non è vero, fratello?"

"Shut the fuck up, Ali, nessuno ti ha chiesto!" Lovino turned a blotchy red and growled back.

"Ah, ma qualcuno mi ha chiesto."

"Tsk, chi diavolo potrebbe chiedere?"

Matthew waited with baited breath for Alice's response, even though he couldn't understand her, and even though Lovino visibly tensed, and even though Alice looked like she was the cat that had caught the canary.

"Oh, sai, nessuno importante," She paused, most likely for dramatic emphasis, "Basta fratellone Tonio~"

Matthew heard an exasperated sigh through the-now rapid-Italian, and turned in his seat to see Monika face palming.

"So I take it they do this often, eh?" Matthew asked.

"Ja," She sighed, "Every time they're together. Lovino says something and Alice will shift the conversation to Italian to antagonize him," She looked up and gave him something akin to a smile, "I'm Monika Beilschmidt, by the way."

"Matthew Williams-Jones. Pleased to meet you."

Monika blinked at him for a second, before clearing her throat, "So you're the one that-"

The car jerked as Lovino slammed on the brakes. He pulled open his door and yanked his seat forward. "We're here. Get the fuck out of my car."

Everyone obediently piled out of the car, and Matthew was about to go in, but Lovino grabbed his arm. "Stay. We have to wait for her," He glanced down at his phone, "She says shouldn't take too fucking long. Idiot, texting while she's driving. I hope she crashes."

"But who is she?"

In that moment, a painfully pink Vespa came up to the curve, and a girl with pigtails, wearing ripped jeans, a light blue shirt, and leather jacket walked over to them.

"You should wear a helmet, bitch."

"As if I need one. I drive like a normal human being, unlike _some_ wankers."

The pair stared each other down for a second, and Matthew worried that he would have to intervene, before bursting out in laughter. "Eh?"

"Oh," Lovino straightened up, "This bitch is Guinevere Kirkland. She's going to help you get along with the rest of the pervert trio."

Matthew was offended on Julchen's behalf, but there were more pressing issues. "You're not coming with me?"

"No, I… I can't go near those bastards. For reasons."

Guinevere began to cackle as Lovino blushed, "You're still whining about that? Bloody hell, Lovino, grow a pair already!"

"Fuck you! I'm not bitching about it, I just… don't want to deal with them."

"Who?" Matthew interrupted the argument.

"Has Lovino not told you about his-"

"Nothing! My nothing, because it is nothing. Come on, time to go meet the Bad Touch Trio."

* * *

_Sorry that I'm not sorry about the Italian conversation. Loose translations are below. Oh! And we have a cover now! I drew it. Okay chapter notes that no one really cares about._

_*Fem!iggy is Guinevere because I know everyone uses Alice, but I like Ali-ch-ee for Fem!ita, so..._

_*Fem!iggy and Romano are bffsies, or as close as two tsunderes can get to being bffs_

_*Lovi has a bunch of cars. In this chapter, he's driving a Masserati Gran Cabrio, bc its a 4-seater, Italian convertable_

_*I really enjoy making Italy the bane of Lovino's existence~_

_The magnifico Italian conversation:_

**_"E si sa, non è vero, fratello?":_**_ And you would know, wouldn't you, brother?_

**_"Shut the fuck up, Ali, nessuno ti ha chiesto!": _**_No one asked you!_

**_"Ah, ma qualcuno mi ha chiesto.":_**_ Ah, but someone asked me._

**_"Tsk, chi diavolo potrebbe chiedere?":_**_ Who the hell woul ask you?_

**_"Oh, sai, nessuno importante," She paused, most likely for dramatic emphasis, "Basta fratellone Tonio~"_****_:_**_ Oh, you know, no one important. Just big bro Tonio~"_

_Review or whatever (especially if you prefer fruk over usuk or vice versa, bc irdk which to choose)_


	3. How to Meet Her Friends

_This chapter sucks, mostly because I rewrote the whole thing to make it flow better and cut the chapter in half. So yeah. Enjoy or something. _

_I have an excuse for my lateness, btw. I just got home from Florida: We drove 14 hrs yesterday, I passed out to sleep last night, and then we drove the rest of it today and there was a bunch of traffic and ew._

**Chapter 3: How to Meet Her Friends**

* * *

Matthew had heard things about the Bad Touch Trio, but he had never dealt with all of them at one time. Francis had been in his Home Ec. class last semester, and he had English and lunch with Julchen, but had never seen all of them together. Approximately five minutes after they left the curb, they-meaning himself, Lovino, and Guinevere (She hadn't wanted to go, but apparently she owed Lovino for something. She wouldn't elaborate on it.)-had journeyed deep into the Peeters' home, and had found the trio.

"Birdie!" Julchen high fived Matthew and pulled him into a hug, which he received with a blush.

"Hey Jules…"

Julchen began pulling Matthew over to the couch that BTT had commendeered, "C'mon, you gotta come sit with me and Tonio and Franny! You'll love them; they're almost as awesome as me," Julchen turned to his entourage for a moment, "And I guess Gwenie and Lovi can come too."

"Don't call me 'Lovi'."

"My name is Guinevere, Snow White."

"Tonio, Franny! Meet Matthew. Birdie, Francis and... Antonio?"

Indeed, Antonio had disappeared from the spot he had been in literally a second mystery was solved by a surprisingly girlish-sounding exclamation from Lovino.

"Get the fuck off, you dumb bastard!"

Antonio, who was apparently unperturbed, tightened his hug and began nuzzling Lovino's head. "Lovi~ Te extrañé~ ¿Por qué tu no eran estar sentado con me en la sala de estudio?"

Lovino elbowed Antonio in the stomach and mumbled, "I don't fucking speak Spanish, idiota. And I was busy talking to Matteo, not that it's your concern."

Antonio pouted for a second, then looked towards Matthew with a smile that seemed just a bit too wide. "So you're 'Matteo', si?"

"Ah, yes, Matthew Williams. Pleased to meet you..."

"Ahaha, well it's always nice to meet _mi _Lovinito's friends~" Antonio grabbed Matthew's hand with more strength than necessary, and shook it with an excess of force. Behind him, he was sure he heard Francis mumble something along the lines of "Mon dieu, he's in one of _those_ moods again."

"I'm not 'your' anything," Lovino growled, grabbing Matthew's arm and forcing him onto the couch, successfully stealing Julchen and Antonio's spots.

"Um, Lovino, shouldn't we-"

"Wino! Go get more chairs. And take Guinevere with you. Albino Potato, sit."

Francis got up with a flourish, "Of course, Lovino; anything for l'amour~ Come along, ma cheri Genevieve."

"How fucking hard is it to just call me Guinevere, frog?"

As the duo walked off bickering, Julchen plopped down next to Matthew.

"Franny's always talkin' about 'l'amour', but half the time, I can't even figure out what he's referring to. Do you know, Toni?"

Antonio stole a chair from a nearby group, then his grin fell for a moment as he glanced at Lovino and Matthew. "I... have an idea, yes..."

Lovino groaned, "If you keep suggesting things, I _will_ leave."

"I still don't know what's going on," Matthew chimed as he watched the other two boys seemingly argue with their eyes.

Julchen sighed dramatically, "It happens all the time around these two, and Fran knows what's going on but I don't; it's so unawesome."

"Seeing as your definition of awesome includes yourself, I'm pretty sure I don't want to be 'awesome'," Lovino stood and stretched before beginning to walk towards the stairs, "I'm going to pay my respect to Lotte and make sure that Skulls and Roses didn't kill each other yet. You three, bond or some shit," He paused, turning around to glare at Antonio, "And god damn it, stop it already."

"So..."

"How did you meet Lovi?"

"Um," Matthew's eyes shifted to his right. He couldn't very well tell Antonio that he only knew Lovino because he was helping him with his crush.

"Yeah, Birdie," Julchen nudged his arm and he both wanted to move away and closer to her, "How did you meet him? I mean, 'Vino isn't _that_ bad but... you two just make an odd couple, you know?"

"Oh, uh, I just sort of ran into him, and then I found out that he was in my study hall and he just... invited me."

"Ha," Antonio's voice stayed light, but seemed a bit strained, "Lovi doesn't usually bring people with him, ha ha..."

Matthew blinked, and suddenly something popped into his head. "Are you and Lovino... er... are you..."

"Que?"

"Gott Tonio," Julchen kicked Antonio's shin, "He's trying to ask what _everyone_ asks. He's just way to polite to straight up ask it." A look of understanding took over Antonio's face as Julchen continued, "They're not, by the way. But not because Toni doesn't waht to or anything, in fact-"

"I do hope you aren't talking about romantic gossip without moi!" Francis exclaimed as he unfolded his chair and daintily sat down.

Julchen snorted, "Oh no, obviously us normal people can't understand romance quite like 'zee exquizite frenchman, hon hon hon, effiel tower, baguette.'"

Francis hmph-ed in faux insult, his response (which wasn't likely to be anything but loud throat clearing to make fun of German) was interrupted by Antonio.

"Did you two see Lovi up there?"

When Francis and Guinevere replied in the negative, Antonio's brows furrowed. "Ah, well I think I'll just... yeah," He turned to Matthew, "It was... lovely meeting you. Or something."

And he was gone before Matthew could return the compliment (Or, pseudo compliment, really).

* * *

_This chapter is rly spamano centric and I'm upset._

_Whatever. The only translation is what Tonio says when he hhug-amnushes Lovi, and that'd be "I missed you, why didn't you sit with me in study hall"_

_Chapter notes:_

_*Lovino understands Spanish. He just doesn't speak it_

_*Geniveve is the French version of Genevere so yeah. _

_*This chapter is literally ew but oh well_

_ALSO! I was considering a prequel/in-betwequel/sequel from Lovino's pov. What do you guys think? And I HAVE ONE PERSON WHO WANTS FRUK, AND ONE WHO WANTS USUK. I personally don't care, so if we don't get anything to flip the balance, neither will happen bc I can't decide. There's a poll on my page about it if you don't want to review for some reason btw._


	4. How to Make Small Talk

_Guess who has the shitiest luck in the world._

_I was done with writing all the chapters and I was pumped and then my computer fucking died. So simce the end of March, I had to try and force my dad to go get it fixed so I could get my stuff off. But guess whose laptop is still not fixed. I would've started writing sooner, but my home instructor decided to suddenly pay attention to me at the beginning of April, so I was given a metric shitonne of work to do, but now I have time. So! I have to rewrite every chapter. I just finished this one and thought I'd post it because I'm so sorry. _

**_Chapter... 4? I think?: How to Make Small Talk_**

* * *

"... And his hair was orange for a month and a half! Birdie, you don't know weird until one of your best friends becomes a long haired Weasley overnight," Julchen began to snicker, as if just remembering it was too much, "Gotta give it to Gwenie, that was probably best prank on Franny _ever_."

Matthew tried to stifle his laughter for Francis' sake, he really did, but Julchen had a way of telling stories that made them exponentially more funny (even if she did almost hit him a few times with her exuberant hand gestures).

Guinevere's scowl deepened, "If you hadn't just complimented me, then I would've yelled at you for calling me 'Gwenie'. I don't know if I'd call it the best prank on the Frog though, the debagging one in 2011 was pretty good."

Julchen nodded excitedly, but before she could launch into another spiel, Francis clapped a hand over her mouth. A while ago, Francis had reclaimed his spot on the couch, pushing Julchen back into the middle and Matthew over to the side. Francis seemed to value his space though, because he had pushed Julchen over enough that her and Matthew's arms were touching and when Julchen put her right hand down, she almost did so over Matthew's left. Needless to say, his blush was pretty much a permanent feature at this point.

"I think that we should stop embarrassing me," Francis pointed a weak glare at Julchen, who pretended not to notice, "And talk more about Jules' petit ami~"

Matthew smiled awkwardly even though the way Francis purred out his last sentence made his skin crawl. Before he reply, Julchen narrowed her eyes at Francis, "Zurück aus, Frenchy."

"Tsk, when you bring such a garçon mignon, I have to at least try, chéri."

Mignon. Francis had called him cute. Matthew blushed to his toes, vehemently shaking his head as he denied it, "Non, non, je ne suis pas mignon, vraiment!"

"Oh lord," Guinevere muttered, "He speaks Frog too."

Francis furrowed his brow, "Quoi? Your accent is thick. Vous êtes Français?"

"... Canadienne. Ma maman est du Québec," Matthew clarified, speaking slowly. He knew that his accent would be hard to understand for anyone who didn't grow up speaking québécois, especially someone who was apparently raised on français proper. Not that he had a problem with French speakers who were actually from France, unlike his mother, who tended to call them a variety of things that would go against the Canadian stereotype of politeness.

"Oh, Quebec. What a shame." Francis clicked his tongue in the way that all European French speakers did when he said his mother was from Quebec, and Matthew felt a surge of nationalism, even if he had lived most of his life in the states.

"Quel dommage que tu parles en trou de cul de poule," Matthew muttered quickly, having faith that his quiet voice and thick accent would conceal the insult.

"What?"

Matthew cocked his head slightly to the left, the picture of innocence, "What?"

Julchen snickered quietly, and Matthew almost broke the charade to smile because she obviously knew; she did have several classes with him, she had seen this act before. Luckily, before Matthew could mess up his act or Francis could ask any questions, the screech of a chair being pulled across the ground startled them all.

Lovino, who had just plopped down in said chair, Antonio following after him much like a puppy would, reddened when they all stared at him. "What? Can't a guy rejoin the annoying group that he left and not be stared at like a fucking alien?"

"I think you're much cuter than an alien would be, Lovi!" Chimed Antonio, who had sat down much more quietly, and he received an elbow to the stomach for his troubles.

"Ah, amor in iuventute," Guinevere smirked as she spoke in whatever language that was, and a quick look around the circle told Matthew that no one but Lovino actually understood her. "Et decorus."

"Me a iuventute mea, et non custodierit anulum! I mean _really_, it's like a cliche romance novel," Lovino snarled back

"Please," Guinevere rolled her eyes, "As if your life isn't something straight out of one of Sakura's animus."

"They're _animes_, you idiot."

"The fact that you know that proves my point."

"Well!" Matthew turned and got a face full of Julchen's hair, which had previously been pressed against the couch. "Not that listening to you two arguing in some language that is definitely not English isn't fun, but I think I'm gonna go get some air."

Matthew watched her go until someone kicked his shin. He swallowed down the yelp and looked up to see Lovino intensely glaring at him. Oh. He was supposed to go with her. "H-hey, Jules, wait up! I'll come with you."

Julchen slowed down so he could catch up, which took some time with his throbbing knee. _Tabernak_, he thought, _Lovino kicks hard. Is it too late to rethink this matchmaking thing?_

He didn't have much time to ponder that because they literally ran into Lovino's sister, Alice.

"Oh! Ve, hi Julie!" Matthew was slightly off-put that he wasn't even acknowledged, but put it down to the fact that Alice spent most of the ride bickering with her brother, not paying attention to a stranger.

Julchen did a rather complicated-looking handshake with Alice, then grinned, "Where's my baby sister? Isn't she supposed to be watching over her cute little Italien?"

"Oh Julie, I'm not _her_ Italian," Alice replied and it was weird to hear a phrase tha sounded like something Lovino would say with irritation come out, in a voice so similar to his, incredibly wistfully. "And she went to go get us drink, ve, since it's really hard to figure out which ones Lars spiked, you know? Oh, but I didn't mean to distract you from your date, I can't believe you didn't introduce us! Ve, how inconsiderate of you, he seems like such a nice boy."

There was a awkward pause, and Matthew was absolutely positive of three things: First, Alice Vargas knew about her brothers mission and, judging by the green, white, and red rhinestoned phone in her hand, Lovino had recently asked her to help; secondly, Alice was definitely not as airheaded as she liked to seem, and was probably much closer to Alfred in that matter-pretended to be dumb but was incredibly quick witted and manipulative under it all; and finally, that Matthew didn't know whether to feel relieved or terrified by those facts, and that he was pretty sure that he'd be okay either way.

When Julchen stopped being shocked, she tried to laugh it off. "Ha ha ha ha ha, we're not, I mean, this is just Birdie."

Alice brightened considerably and Matthew decided that yes, Alice being a manipulative mastermind was definitely a terrifying thing. "Ah, so this is the Birdie that Monny says you're always-"

"OH LOOK, IT'S LOTTE AND HER CREEPY ARCHER BOYFRIEND," Julchen yelled over Alice and pulled Matthew away just in time to see Alice wink and give him a thumbs up, "LET'S GO SAY HI!"

Once they were a safe distance away from the Italian girl, Julchen sighed. "Gott, I love Ali like a sister, but the girl will talk your ear off if you let her," she took a moment to rub a hand down her face, "And she always says the most embarrassing things. If she wasn't such a sweetheart the rest of the time, I'd say she was doing it on purpose."

So Julchen didn't see what he did. He wondered how many people saw that side of Alice. "Well, it wasn't that bad..." And he trails off not because he doesn't know what to say, but because Julchen had grabbed his hand to drag him away and she still hadn't let go and his face was burning and her hand fit so well with his and-

"Eek!" Julchen squeals and lets go of his hand like its a burning coal, "Sorry about that Birdie, ha ha, guess I forgot."

"Ha. No problem."

They settled into silence, still walking close enough that they could hold hands, and Matthew's itched to reach out. _Dieu. This is going to be a long party_

* * *

_Don't worry, mio belli litore, the party only lasts until next chapter. It was supposed to end this one, and I'm p sure it did in the original chapter 4, but oh fucking well, I wanted to put a lot of unnecessary French in this chapter._

_I think all the French is explained, so I'm not going to translate it, but Gwenie and Lovi are speaking Latin because I like the headcanin that Iggy and Romano cam both still speak Latin and stole it for this fic. They basically say "Oh, young love, how beautiful." and "I'm not the one who still has a ring that they got when they were 6." The second translation is p much into modern english, because I think the Latin means, literally "I have not a ring from my youth still" and that's cray. By the way, the ring thing is a FrUk plot point, since FrUk has dominated the vote._

_ AH WAIT THE LAST THING THAT MATT SAYS TO FRAN IS "IT'S A SHAME YOU SPEAK OUT THE ASS OF A CHICKEN" AND THAT'S A QUEBECOIS INSULT THAT MEANS THAT YOU HAVE A PARISIAN ACCENT AND I THINK THAT'S BEAUTIFUL._

_Once again, sorry, and I hope to have the next chapter out by next week!_


End file.
